Transparency

Last time I posted, I spoke of the cost of adoption. I have mentioned several times my internal struggle while coming to the decision to pursue infant adoption. My goal was to inform friends and family of the reasons why adoption is so costly.

I have had this blog for a while and have a small group of readers who are mostly friends. I don’t expect strangers to come across my posts, but as I’ve been posting and tagging about adopting, strangers have found me. My hope and purpose in tagging my posts was that people would find encouragement or good information. What I’ve seen happen instead is that internet trolls have already came in to pick apart my life, my motives, and my integrity. I’ve had multiple comments (on our fundraising page and on this blog) that have questioned or made cruel assumptions about me and David.

These rude comments hinted at the fact that if it is truly God’s will for us to adopt an infant, surely He will provide that money some other way than us begging for it. They also questioned if adoption is really what we are using the money for. The most recent one told me it was distasteful to begin my last blog talking about how I don’t like spending money, only to post a link so that others could spend theirs on my behalf. 
It’s painful. I won’t lie. These comments, however ludicrous​ I believe them to be, still open wounds that have hardly had time to heal. My insecurities have come to the surface and I question everything again. With these accusations I feel like my character is being questioned.

I’ve been transparent in my feelings. I don’t like asking for money. I thought I made that clear. 

What I guess I didn’t make clear is that David works full time as a minister, making less in one year than it will cost us to adopt. I am working two part time jobs. We just moved to an area where cost of living is quite high, because God called us here. And we are so happy to be here. 

Every cent I make goes straight into savings. We are couponing, reworking our budget, being intentional about every dollar we spend. Could we do a better job? Sure. Of course we could. Sometimes we spend money on frivolous things like a date night or a tower fan for our non air conditioned house. *gasp* 

Every decision we make, we make with adoption and funding our adoption in mind. For instance, we recently considered getting a puppy. We love dogs, and it has been hard for us to not have one right now. We thought it would be nice to train the dog before we had kids in the house. But after careful consideration, we realized it would not be a good financial decision, no matter how much we want a dog. We’d rather have a child. 

Yeah, I hate spending money. But that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to spend it. For this I’ll give every penny I have. To hold a child in my arms and to have him call me Mommy, I would do absolutely anything.

So to the strangers who read my blog: Welcome. I hope you can find something meaningful or inspirational here. But if you cant- if you only feel the need to comment unnecessary hateful things – just keep your thoughts to yourself. You don’t know me or my struggles. You don’t know the wounds you’ve reopened. Next time consider that you might not be informed of all the facts and really it’s none of your business anyway. 

God bless.

The Story So Far – Part 1

I was 16 when I began to consider the effect that the chemo might have on my ability to conceive or carry a baby to term. I had been diagnosed with ovarian failure due to the toxic chemicals used to treat and eventually cure  me of leukemia. There was a chance that my ovaries may recover, but there was a chance that they might not.

Over the next 10 years, I heard different stories from different doctors. Most were unconcerned about the state of my fertility simply because I was unmarried and not looking to start a family.

By the time I met David I had already decided in my heart that I wanted to adopt, even if I could miraculously have biological children. And as early as our second date, David and I discussed children and adoption. He was also unsure about his ability to have children due to the effects of chemo and radiation he had as a child.

As strange as it might sound, this was such a comfort to me. For so long I had feared that my medical history and the lasting effects of cancer treatment on my body would somehow disqualify me from being loved by another person. I feared that my brokenness would be a deal breaker and that my hopes for a house full of adopted little ones would scare men away.

When David came into my life, I felt something different than fear. I felt affirmation. I knew for sure that I was called to become a parent through adoption. I am not the broken one. I am not broken at all. God only has a different plan for me than what I originally thought.

Driving to work this morning, I was thanking God for the sunshine and all the beauty I saw around me. I thought then of the beauty of marriage; how God placed David and I together to be an example to the world, a living picture of how Christ loves the Church and how the Church should reciprocate that love with honorable service to and respect for God. I thanked God for the privilege of being part of that beautiful picture, and I asked Him for wisdom and grace in our portrayal of His perfect love.

Then I began to think of what an honor it is to not only be a living picture of God’s love through marriage, but also to have the opportunity to be a picture of God’s love through adoption. I am in awe that God had chosen David and I for this journey. We will have the unique honor of providing a home and a loving family to a child who might not otherwise have those things. I know that I was, in essence, an orphan before God called me to be part of His family. And now I am a daughter of the King of Kings.

I can think of no better use for my life than to try to live up to the honor God has bestowed on me to be a wife and (future) mother.

“…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Ephesians 4:1

And so, we are adopting. I wrote a post a couple of months before David and I got married entitled Adoption. If you haven’t already, I urge you to check it out!

Stay tuned for Part 2 of our story, told by a special “guest blogger”….DAVID!