Alive

I’ve decided that out of the five senses, hearing is the one I would be most devastated about losing. Sure, there are many sounds that drive me crazy or that I’d never like to hear again, but there are also sounds that I enjoy and that I could not live without.

I absolutely LOVE music. There is nothing that moves my soul more than a well written, well performed piece of music. The thought of never being able to hear such a song again – well, it’s unthinkable.

Music is therapy.
When I leave work after a hard day, the first thing I do is crank up the stereo in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. When an idiot man breaks my heart, I find the most applicable song and listen to it over and over again.
When there is no song to express what I feel, I write one.

I started writing at a very young age. I wrote little stories and silly poems. As I grew, so did my writing. I wrote from the heart. I wrote from my experiences. The entire time I was going through treatment, I kept journals. I have four or five handwritten journals from that time and an online journal that if I were to print out would be over 350 pages. I started writing songs in junior high when I began to teach myself to play guitar. In the past 10 years, I have written dozens of complete songs and and dozens more lyrics that are waiting for melodies.

Music is how I express myself.
My friends used to say that all my songs made them cry. Not that the songs were necessarily sad, but they each had meaning. And because my friends were close to me, they knew the reasons behind each word. I struggled to write a so-called “happy” song. I tended to write more when I was scared, frustrated or upset…because music was my outlet.

I still write from experience. Thankfully, not all my experiences are as difficult as they used to be.  I have been wanting to write the kind of song that people hear and can apply to different circumstances in their lives. The kind that everyone can relate to in a different way. But I wanted it to apply to my life as well. I wanted it to be more of an anthem for myself and other people who have walked this road or any difficult road for that matter. I recently had a patient pass away that was very special to me. I love all of my patients, but she and her family were an absolute joy to be around, even in their darkest of days.  I wrote this song with her in mind but also remembering all those days I spent fighting. It came from those memories of late nights praying, crying, but all the while knowing that God was in control.  It evolved into something so much more. 
It is our anthem.

We Are Alive

It’s a necessary evil to control what grows inside
But waging war against myself doesn’t seem like a fair fight.
I hide beneath the sheets; salvation’s out of reach…
for me.
But you breathe the breath of life
With just a whisper from your lips
Your love keeps me alive
When my heart is standing still.
I’m alive, oh I’m alive.
I’m alive, yeah, I’m alive.
Five long years now, it’s my home away from home
Where I learned to face my fears, it’s where I’m learning how to hope
There’s a smile in my eyes, but there are tears beneath the lie:
“I’m fine.”
Yet you breathe the breath of life
With just a whisper from your lips
Your love keeps me alive
While my heart is standing still.
I’m alive, oh I’m alive.
I’m alive, yeah I’m alive.
I’m alive, oh I’m alive.
But I’m not afraid to die.
Death is not the end.
So I’ll greet it as a friend…
And you’ll breathe the breath of life
With just a whisper from your lips.
Your love keeps us alive
When our hearts are standing still.
We are alive.
We are alive again.
We are alive!
Death is not the end.

 

I know too many children who have passed away. Too many to even name or count. My heart aches for their families. I often long to take their place. It doesn’t seem right that I am still living and they are gone.
But I am quickly reminded that as alive as I feel right now, those children are a thousand times more alive.
Death is not the end. It is only the beginning.

I am so thankful for the life I am living now. I am thankful for my hearing, to enjoy the beautiful music all around me.  I am thankful to be able to call my parents on the phone and hear them say, “I love you.”  I am thankful for the talents God has entrusted me with, and I pray that I will use them in a worthy manner. I am thankful for the circumstances that lead me to where I am today. I am thankful to still be singing these songs of deliverance.

 

 

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